Brothers, Don’t Avoid Your Spiritual Sisters in the Name of Purity

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Men can sometimes pursue sexual purity in misguided ways. Take, for example, the setting of the local church: events like Sunday services, prayer meetings, potlucks, Bible studies, seminars, small group meetings, and so on. In this context, a man might experience attraction toward another churchgoer that is inappropriate (because of the married/engaged status of one or both parties). He decides fighting temptation means avoiding the woman altogether. He could even go so far as to refuse greeting her in the church lobby because he doesn’t want to stoke the flame of improper affections.

Dr. Alan Noble explains why such avoidance is misguided:

That’s not loving. That doesn’t treat her as a full human being. Of course you shouldn’t do anything inappropriate, but that’s no excuse for not doing anything at all! That’s cowardice and petty self-preservation at the expense of your neighbor. To love your neighbor well is to say “Good morning” to someone you might be attracted to because it’s human and kind to say “Good morning!”

In addition, fastidiously avoiding a member of the opposite sex at church only serves to aggravate the temptation rather than extinguish it. “How so?” you might ask. “Doesn’t Scripture tell us to flee from ‘sexual immorality’ (1 Cor. 6:18) and ‘the evil desires of youth’ (2 Tim. 2:22)”? Yes—but that’s not actually what’s going on here.

A Dangerous Misapplication

The avoidance tactic above may give an appearance of godliness. After all, in regards to a certain type of woman, the godly man is exhorted, “Keep to a path far from her” (Prov. 5:8), for she leads others astray with her “smooth talk” (Prov. 6:24) and “persuasive words” (Prov. 7:21).

But these Proverbs address an openly immoral woman (Prov. 5:3) who is actively playing on your desire. That is entirely separate from a fellow believer whom you might be tempted to wrongly desire. Conflating the two types of women is not only inaccurate—it is also ungodly and unloving.

Pastor Josh Squires explains how men who are “hypervigilant about opposite-sex interactions” can end up developing an adversarial posture toward the women in their church:

[They] have taken their righteous fight against sin and temptation and anchored it incorrectly. Instead of fighting against lust, they have become adversarial toward any situation or person that might trigger a lustful thought. While this sounds pious at first, the truth is that lust creeps around every corner. One cannot possibly eliminate all avenues of lust without eliminating the world and one’s self. In seeking to eliminate the possibility of lust, they also have ruled out the possibility of much ministry.

The Bible provides a much better paradigm for healthy relationships in the church. In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, we are instructed to “exhort… younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” Let’s briefly examine the three components of this command (albeit slightly out of order): the category (family), the goal (exhortation), and the method (purity).

1. The Category: Family

The category Scripture provides for interacting with fellow church members is familial: treat the women around you as you would a sibling. Sisters in Christ are not problems to avoid, but fellow image-bearers of God. They deserve dignity, respect, and acknowledgement.

As is the case with a biological sister, a spiritual sister isn’t someone you choose to relate to, but rather someone assigned to you by God himself. You have a moral obligation to look out not only for your own interest, but hers as well (Phil. 2:4). Your heavenly father expects you to share in the responsibility to make sure your spiritual sister feels understood, appreciated, honored, and cared for.

You are not at liberty to simply ignore a family member you perceive as being a bother. The silent treatment is not how you would lovingly and rightly deal with your own sister. You may say to yourself the problem is you, but your avoidant actions are communicating that the problem is her.

The Christian is called to “do good to all people,” but “especially to those who belong to the family [or household] of believers” (Gal. 6:10). Your sisters in Christ are members of this household. They are coworkers in the gospel of Christ, not obstacles in your pursuit of holiness. There is no place for you to treat your spiritual siblings poorly simply because you are struggling with temptation.

2. The Goal: Exhortation

One of the major goals of living within the body of Christ is the encouragement, exhortation, and upbuilding of fellow believers (1 Thess. 5:11; Eph. 4:16; Heb. 10:25). “Everything must be done so that the church may be built up” (1 Cor. 14:26). And roughly half of those we men are called to build up are the women in our churches.

As such, don’t fight temptation in a way that tears your spiritual sisters down. Avoid the strategy of one pastor who bragged, “When I’m attracted to a woman, I treat her terribly.” That is the antithesis of the Christian love to which we are called (Rom. 15:2; 1 Cor. 10:24).

Take your brotherly responsibility seriously to love others unconditionally. Instead of avoiding eye contact with a sister in Christ, give her the dignity of your consideration. Instead of engaging only with her husband while she stands next to him, talk to them both. Focusing on how you can serve others, rather than how they might affect you, lays the axe to the root of many a lustful thought.

3. The Method: Purity

Treating a sister in Christ with “absolute purity” includes refusing to reduce her to object status. And while it may be unintentional, your hypervigilant avoidance of her could actually encourage your further objectification of her:

• By viewing her only through a sexual lens, thus reducing her humanity.
• By assessing the value of her very existence in your church only as it pertains to you, thus flattening her into a two-dimensional being.
• By sidestepping your obligation to love her—both as her brother in Christ (1 Tim. 5:2) and as her neighbor (Lev. 19:18; Mark 12:31)—thus diminishing her worth as a human being.

This is not to say boundaries are unimportant. On the contrary, safeguards are a healthy component of any relationship, from the most casual to the most personal. Sexual purity without boundaries is oxymoronic. What we’re focusing on here, however, is not the danger of carelessness in the church, but the danger of heartlessness in the church.

Fight the temptation to heartlessness by striving to see your sisters in Christ holistically—not just as physical beings, but as people with giftings, personalities, callings, and vocations. Acknowledge their value based on what God says about them, not what you think about them. Take seriously the reality that you owe it to all your fellow church members to show them the kind of filial, pure, and constructive love that fulfills the law of Christ (Rom. 13:8; Gal. 5:14; James 2:8).

You can better flee from sexual temptation, not by treating a sister in Christ as someone who “preys on your very life” (Prov. 6:26), but by treating her as one “along with [whom you]… call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22).

A Better Way

Our pornified culture has warped our perspective of interpersonal relationships. It teaches us to treat others as commodities to be pursued or ignored based on their perceived usefulness. It tells us that meaningful friendship cannot exist without some form of sexual tension. Even in legitimate forms of romance, it instructs us to view others through an objectifying, self-serving lens.

In the context of the local church, we find a far richer and rewarding way to relate to others. As the family of God, we don’t pursue or reject each other for selfish reasons, but we labor side by side (Phil. 4:3) as companions in true unity and community. We acknowledge and celebrate (rather than reduce) the humanity of others, enabling us to enjoy healthy friendships that are shaped and informed by our common goal of advancing Christ’s kingdom.

The more we take our cues from the God who made us, the more we can demonstrate how the Christian church can—and should—be known as a safe and dignifying place for men and women, more so than anywhere else in the world.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Wirestock

Cap Stewart is the author of the curriculum Personal Purity Isn’t Enough: The Long-Forgotten Secret to Making Scriptural Entertainment Choices. He has contributed to Cultural Engagement: A Crash Course in Contemporary Issues (Zondervan Academic, 2019), among other print and online publications. He publishes his cultural commentary at Unpop Culture.